Following Up at WEC
Bringing a Message to Life with Better Writing Style
· Writing Style
· Navigational Design
· Chapter 6
· “Design Effective Tables” in Chapter 12
· Sabrina Zambreskie, president of Workforce Engagement Consortium
· Jen Asksins, HR manager at Sorenson Materials and Supplies
Sabrina Zambreskie is the president of the Workforce Engagement Consortium. The consortium is a collection of local businesses that focuses on improving employee performance and morale. The consortium provides workshops and training, networking events, and business discounts.
Yesterday, Jen Askins called Sabrina inquiring about the consortium. The five-minute conversation covered the basics of the consortium. Sabrina decided to send a follow-up email to Jen to summarize the benefits of the consortium and encourage her to join it (see her message beginning on the next page).
Rewrite a total of twelve sentences from Sabrina’s message to improve writing style on a sentence level. For each sentence you revise, identify the sentence number and the type/s of changes you made (some sentences require several types of changes). At a minimum, make at least three of each of the following types of changes:
· Changing I-voice to you-voice
· Changing passive verbs to active verbs
· Converting nouns or be verbs to action verbs
· Removing it is/there are statements
Example: (20) You may choose from three membership levels. (Changing I-voice to you-voice)
Rewrite the message. While retaining all the essential content from the original message, rewrite the message to make it more concise and effective. In addition to sentence-level changes, consider combining some sentences, adding formatting to make the message easier to read, and using a table.
SUBJECT: Follow Up to Call
(1) I want to express my appreciation for your call yesterday. (2) It was my great pleasure to finally have a chance to have a conversation with you after so many back-and-forth emails. (3) It sounds like your company is really amazing. (4) I believe you would be greatly benefited by joining the Workforce Engagement Consortium (WEC).
(5) There are many things we talked about, and I just wanted to provide a brief summary of the many benefits that are received by the member companies in the Workforce Engagement Consortium (WEC). (6) I believe that this summary will be of help as you are in the process of making a decision about becoming a member of the consortium. (7) I think the most basic benefits that are received by members include training and workshops, networking opportunities, and business discounts.
(8) Training and workshops are our most popular service, with over 95 percent of member companies participating on at least a monthly basis. (9) We hold bi-weekly workshops on a variety of performance management topics. (10) All workshops are placed online for any-time viewing. (11) There are also over 140 online training sessions that are offered to members.
(12) We are proud to have weekly networking events that are hosted each Tuesday evening by one of our member companies. (13) The average number of professionals at these events is typically around 50 to 60. (14) There are many ways to increase professional network size, especially because there are professionals from all industries. (15) Also, there are all types of fun activities, including trivia contests, wine-tasting, and many other fun activities. (16) These activities are perfect ways to build camaraderie and excitement with employees of member companies.
(17) We also have negotiated deep discounts for our members with more than 60 nationwide companies. (18) There are discounts of between five and eight percent that are available from various consumer and B2B vendors. (19) Our average member company last year was able to save approximately $7,000 by using these discounts.
(20) We offer three membership levels. (21) A platinum membership allows employees of member companies to attend up to 10 workshops and 50 online training sessions per month. (22) Platinum member companies are allowed up to 10 employee admissions at networking events. (23) Platinum memberships come at a $5,000 annual fee. (24) A gold membership allows employees of member companies to attend up to 5 workshops and 25 online training sessions per month. (25) Gold member companies are allowed up to 5 employee admissions at networking events. It comes at a price of $3,000 annually. (26) Finally, a regular membership allows employees of member companies to attend up to 3 workshops and 10 online training sessions per month. (27) Regular member companies are allowed up to 3 employee admissions at networking events. (28) It costs $2,000 each year.
(29) Once again, I want to express my gratitude for your interest in the consortium. (30) It would be our honor to have in you the consortium. (31) I am always available to provide responses about any questions you might have.